Lately I have been down. There are legitimate reasons, mostly having to do with the complete life reset of becoming a mommy, but there are also strange reasons that I never imagined. The biggest of which is having my baby nap on her own.
Ever since Scoop was born, she napped with me. On me, actually. She would even sleep while nursing. I call it nap nursing, and she was a pro. If I moved even slightly to try to remove the boob, she would wake. It was best to just let her use me as a pacifier so that she could get a good nap. And speaking of a pacifier, she never took one, no matter how many brands I offered, she thought they were silly and would spit them directly onto the floor. So, she’s a strange one is what I’m saying.
Anyway, in the past month, I began to put her down for naps without the boob. It has happened in stages. Stage one was to change location. Instead of nursing downstairs in the recliner on her boppy, I would nurse her upstairs in bed (where she nurses to sleep for bedtime) on her boppy. Then the next week I changed up the position (stage two). Still in bed, but now laying down instead of the boppy. The goal here being to remove the boppy from the equation. I did this for a week, and she would nap, but the naps were much shorter because she had a wider range of motion and would wake herself by rolling around. Stage three was to remove the boob from the equation all together. I would lay beside her, as if we were going to nurse, but I would keep my bra on. She DID NOT like this new step. Removing the boobie was just an awful experience for both of us, but I knew it was an important one. She was 8.5 months old, and I eventually plan on weaning after she is a year old, so we had to get this boobie-less nap time thing on the move! I kept at it, laying in bed with her while she cried, and cried, and cried. I used the “shushing” method that I had heard so much about from other mommies. I would lay beside her, not looking at her, and go “shh shh shh shh shh.” She would eventually fall asleep. Again, naps weren’t long, but they were naps, and they were naps without the boobie, for the first time ever, and I was excited for both of us.
Then, stage four was to remove myself from nap time. I did this by putting Scoop into our bed, as if it was regular ol’ mommy beside her nap time, and I would put a pillow buffer around her. She is very much not mobile. She can roll, but not crawl, so the pillow buffer was perfect. This was actually easier than having me beside her. She fell asleep quicker, with less crying, and stayed asleep longer. I felt like I should have been awarded some sort of prize. In just two weeks I had got my boob-in-mouth-while-sleeping-only baby, to sleep without a boob and by herself! Happy dances ensued.
Stage five was just impossible, I thought. Sleeping without the boob, by herself, in….. the crib! *Cue horror movie music of your choice.* Impossible, impossible! This girl was fine to be in her crib in the morning while I showered (with the monitor, constantly watching her – For those who had a mini panic attack right there), but being in the crib while she was tired? No way. She knew what was happening. We’d tried it a few times at night during our “bad nights” where she refused to sleep anywhere, at any time. “IMPOSSIBLE!” I screamed to myself and my husband. Yet I knew it was the next step. It would be dangerous to have her sleeping in my bed for too much longer, it had to be done.
So, I did it. And it worked. I walked in with her, once I knew she was good and tired, turned on her fan, closed the blinds, put her in her sleep nest (an absolute miracle worker for sleep — seriously — DO IT! It changed our lives!), and lay her down. I said, “have a great nap. I love you,” and I kissed her on the head, walked out, and shut the door. She fussed, not cried, for five minutes, and then slept for an hour.
**Important note: Not all naps go this smoothly, or for this long. They do vary greatly, and sometimes she still nurses to sleep for naps if she is feeling bad, or is extra clingy that day.**
I was floored. I had done it! My nine month old was currently sleeping in a crib, without my boob, without me….
Without me. As excited as I was about this, I was also incredibly sad. I know that as she gets older, she needs me less. I understand that, and I accept it, but nine months and she’s already starting? I was sad, and I’ve continued to be sad. Every time I lay her down, I am sad. I am sad that she doesn’t need me to be there, I am sad that I don’t get to spend that time watching her sleep. Seeing her little eyes flutter while she dreams, have her hands lay on my chest, see her body rise and fall with each tiny breath. It has been hard on me, and I’ve just recently realized how much so.
I used to spend 14 hours a day with my baby, now with naps it’s more like 11. I know it’s nice to have time to myself. I’d never be able to blog anymore, or clean the kitchen, or fold laundry, without this new nap time. The house hasn’t looked this nice since she was still in my belly (or when my mom and grandmother visit), but it is a large price to pay for a clean house. No one warned me that I would need her more than she needs me. No one told me that just having her next to me would give me the answer to everything. She is the answer to everything. She is my little love, my baby, and she is my world.
So, while I am glad that she is getting better naps, I just hope she knows how much her mommy misses her and hates to put her in there by herself. There is a limit on the time we have on this planet, but there is also a limit on the amount of time for certain things. We are only able to play outside everyday for the first few years of life, college is only for 4-8 years, your wedding day is only one short day, vacations are only a few days, and your baby needing you in specific ways are only for a few months at a time. Soon she will need me to help her while she walks, but one day I will let go of her hands and she will take off on her own, and she will never need me to hold her while she walks again. How many more moments do I have to be everything she needs?
Everything And All The Things 